Article originally published by Montage Insurance Solutions, September 2020 – Topic: The Joys & Challenges of Being a Woman
Who Are We?
Sometimes the best way to begin ‘a thing’ is to acknowledge that it is difficult to do so. When my boss first mentioned writing a piece for a blog she wanted to start — I thought: Well, I have absolutely nothing to offer. My life is boring, and I immediately went into comparing myself to my female colleagues who seem to have led amazing lives; Strong, intelligent, independent women. Women I admire.
This got me thinking …. And, it began by asking ‘who am I?’
I only identify myself with those around me, that is to say: I am a mother, a daughter, a partner, a sister, an aunt, and an employee.
I am many things, but at the fulfillment of social obligation and societal expectations. I am a female. I was taught to nurture, to be diplomatic, to follow the rules and not make a commotion, to use my words wisely, to observe, and to listen. But what am I outside of my labels? What are ‘we’ outside of our labels? This seems to be a dilemma that many of us in the collective ‘we’ — have … something I know many women have. Personally, I don’t know who I am outside of those labels, and it is frustrating because that is what we build our lives and personality around. And, when you start to question this … you start to feel more at a loss.
What are the Joys & Challenges of Being a Woman?
It is easy for me to latch on to the challenges of this question … in fact, ask any woman and you will receive a devastating soliloquy. It is hard, overwhelmingly difficult, navigating the daily – insistent challenges. I know everything I am meant to be and to do, I know what I am supposed to say, but those things don’t always align with the deeper part of myself. And, I dare say, I am not the only one who feels this.
For the sake of posterity … let me state a few facts about myself. I’m 34 years old. I met my former husband at 19, married at 24, had my first child at 26, my second at 28 – I separated from my husband at 29 – joined the workforce (again), found an apartment (my first on my own), and was officially divorced by 31; I don’t receive child support or alimony and share joint custody of my two children 50/50. I have worked for the same company for the past 5 years – and have been promoted 2xs. I bought my first car, with my own money and my name on the title, 4 years ago. I traveled extensively within the United States and outside of it, including much of Europe, Asia (Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, and India), and parts of Africa. Not only that, but I also lived and worked for a time in what many consider the greatest city in the world — New York City! I have taken classes to be certified as a Sommelier, was a ghost writer/research assistant for a NY Times Bestselling Author, focused my education on Sociology, and even learned a bit about Speech Pathology, ASL, and Spanish along my journey.
So, I have accomplished and done what seems to be many things.
Yet, every moment was hard; I have struggled most of my teen and adult life with anxiety and depression. I cried … a lot. I felt as if I had failed EVERYONE, especially after my divorce. There were many nights when I thought I was nothing. I didn’t deserve the joys in my life (my children, my partner, my family, my work, even my car etc). But that was because I had NO CLUE who I was outside of being ‘things.’ So, now … and I admit I’m still trying to figure this out, I have to step away from identifying my ‘person’, my ‘soul’, my ‘self’ with everyone else.
And, this is a terribly hard thing you see. How do you change 34 years’ worth of programmed thinking? How do I change? How do I see beyond labels – self-imposed and otherwise? How do I step out of the very feminine guilt of not living up to the expectations of multitasking my labels?
I feel great guilt going to work, coming home, and not wanting to make dinner, EVEN THOUGH there is no expectation. I feel guilty throwing together peanut butter and jelly sandwiches whenever my kids want – because it has too much sugar or it isn’t organic. I feel guilty for wanting to be alone. I feel guilty for not taking compliments well. I feel guilty for not wanting to clean the apartment every day. I feel guilt for being stressed around unknown men – terrified sometimes that maybe their intentions aren’t the best. I feel guilty for not wanting to listen to people I love complain every time I see them. I feel guilt … every day – sometimes over things that are very valid to feel guilt for, and others not so much. THIS is what I find to be the most difficult challenge as a woman.
And, fundamentally, this comes back to Who Am I? Strip down our labels, our accomplishments, and ask is there joy? My ego relishes my accomplishments, but my soul — the soul can’t understand the ego. So how then do we mesh the two?
And I suppose the answer might be in The Joy. Who am I when I am myself? When are you … yourself?
For me … I realized I am my truest self when I am dancing, when I am holding my children, when I’m cuddled late at night with a partner, when I am listening to my mother, brother, or sister’s accomplishments. I am myself while reading a loving letter from my boss about how strong and kind, and in fact, un-boring I am – and allowing myself to cry while reading it. I am myself when listening to the sound of the breeze blowing through the trees – nestling the neighbors’ wind chimes; or sitting at the beach and letting the scent of the ocean and the itchy feel of the sand take over the senses.
I know that sounds silly, bordering on simplistic, but hear me out.
When I’m doing those things … all the nonsense in my brain slips away – and all that is felt is simple, unadulterated love and freedom: Joy.
What is Joy but love and freedom? And, if we pause time for a moment by BEING HERE NOW … there is Joy. Joy doesn’t come from “Future Tripping” as my mother termed, nor does it come from searching out the past, and it most certainly doesn’t come from denying feelings: Negative or Positive.
Joy comes from being in the moment.
Dancing … letting the music wash over you like a wave – finding the freedom in not caring for 3 minutes and 45 seconds what you look like. Joy is holding my children until they break away … aware that THIS is the only moment that matters to either of us. Joy is feeling my partner’s arms wrap around me in the dead of night … and for just that second – there are no insecurities … no walls; just the silence of the night and the warmth of the person beside me. JOY is hearing how well my brother is doing with his new endeavor and listening to my mom recall an interaction she had with a patient at work – how they acknowledged how AMAZING she is. Joy is listening to my sister and dying of laughter with her over some crazy tale.
It is all acknowledgement of love – a mesh of ‘A’ soul or multiple souls taking a moment and MAKING it a moment. JOY for me is understanding that life is an ebb and flow of pain, grief, suffering, peace, happiness, and awe. And, you can’t have one without the other.
There is no Good without the Bad, no Light without the Dark. Joy comes from accepting my guilt and negativity and releasing it – not by denying it.
MY JOY is in acknowledging my labels but also recognizing that at the very core … I am human and so is everyone else. We forget that sometimes.
I live in a world where there will always be labels, but if I press pause, I can have a second without them.
So, there are MANY challenges in being a woman, a female — a human being – but when you stop long enough … the joys by far outweigh them.
Kaisha Trzaska 